Kim’s Fairytale Wedding: Prelude to Divorce

Guys. This wedding. Woof.

I have an abnormally high Kardashian tolerance. But Oh My God, this was painful. It’s too bad we don’t make any money (yet!) at FFBR, because I definitely need some kind of workers’ compensation for having to sit through FOUR HOURS of this.

Kim is, hands down, the most boring sister and her and Kris are The Worst. There was literally not a single instance where I looked at the TV and thought “Aww, what a great couple/they’re so cute/they definitely would not be making a mistake getting married.” In fact, I’m pretty sure I have more chemistry with the guy at my corner falafel stand than Kim has with Kris. Seriously, when you’re having major fights right up through the rehearsal dinner and your family seems to hate your fiance (on both sides), you might want to take a step back. But maybe not, if you’re being paid $17 million!

This is definitely NOT a couple that will be divorced by 2012.

Anyway, I can’t even properly recap this wedding because I’ve blocked most of it from my brain, but here are some highlights that managed to crawl forward:

• I’m pretty sure I’m the only person who likes Kris Humphries (“like” is a strong word. Maybe “doesn’t hate” is more accurate.). I feel bad for him, as he’s clearly being edited to blame for the divorce in approximately six months.
• Why is Kris Jenner trying to act like this is her first plastic surgery?
• LOL at Kim being in full makeup in all the scenes where she complains about Kris’s dogs sharing the bed. Which is more likely: she wears full makeup to bed, or the scenes were staged? I’m thinking both.
• It was a full 58 minutes into Part One before we saw the true Kings of the Kardashian family, Lamar and Mason. Unacceptable.
• One obviously doesn’t make $17 mill off her wedding without some product placement but JFC. Some lessons in subtlety would be nice. Hint, subtlety isn’t “OMG Bruce, Kendall found this website called Living Social!!!” followed by the credits “This event is sponsored by Living Social!”
• Rob. I know you were doing your whole DWTS thing, but you couldn’t put on anything more than a track suit for the rehearsal dinner?

I would list more, but I’m having difficulty reliving those painful four hours. I’m going to go watch True Love, aka Khloe and Lamar’s Wedding (best $3.99 I’ve ever spent on iTunes!!) to cleanse.

–The Gemini